Seasons of My Life
by xxil0vey0uxx
Summary: Will Cristina and Owen survive unforeseen circumstances or will Cristina be left to bore the pain of her decisions by herself?
1. Chapter 1

Calm, cool, and collected you want your surgeons to exhibit these qualities. People expect surgeons to look death in the eye and laugh: you want your doctors to be a little crazy. You want someone who runs towards the fire not runs away and hides. Cristina Yang has always been intrepid: she saved her best friends husband life with a gun held to her hand. She should have died in a plane crash and again with her miscarriage. So reading one or two tiny words should be easy,correct? The sudden chirp of an alarm wakes Cristina from her thoughts. Her hands are shaking and she has a burning sensation in her chest like the way you feet burn as you walk on the beach on a sunny day.

"Breath Cristina breathe," she emits to no one but herself and the walls of her bathroom. Through the tears she can decipher the word; _pregnant_. In a split second it as if her world is crumbling around her. As if he world has given way beneath her and she is falling. Cristina sinks to the floor her knees bound to her chest her face upon her knees. Her sobs have subsided replaced only by an occasional moan. There is a pit in her stomach and as she rises to her feet she can hear the banter of the stair under Owens feet.

"Crap," Owen was not supposed to be home for hours. Cristina threw the test in a random drawer and rushed to the sink splashing water in her face in an attempt to hide her tears. She turns the faucet off and glances at her eyes: swollen and red, surely Owen will realize this. Cristina starts towards the door but is stopped by Owens presence in the doorway.

"Hey," his eyes sparkle in a way that make Cristina's heart leap. Those eyes the ones she fell in love with so many years ago. Eyes that put her through hell and back: but now hell again. He leans in for a kiss but she brushes past him. She can not stand those lips tonight. On any other day she would have gladly returned his gesture and followed him toward the bed: but not tonight.

"Cristina," she has to think of something to say fast or else he will begin asking questions and if she meets those eyes she can not lie. She makes it to the kitchen before she can think of a single sentence.

" I'm not feeling to well. I think it's the food from last night. Probably food poising. Don't want to be kissing you and need to throw up. Not too attractive." Cristina knows that Owen won't settle for this. They both ate from the same restaurant and he will tell her that he doesn't feel like this. That maybe she is sick and Cristina will return with a sarcastic remark and then the secret will be out. The problem will be revealed. " Owen I'm just going to go to bed it's already late." First honest thing Cristina has said all night. It is pretty late one in the morning is late when you have to be up at five. Cristina hopes that Owen will just follow her to bed and not whether the bathroom. She can not remember if she disposed of the box and its wrapper. Well she is not that lucky.

" I'm just going to go take a shower and then I'll be in." Crap that is all Cristina can think of. She hears the shower turn on but she is not out of the woods. She lays there,awake, for what feels like years until the water turns off. Just a couple more minutes and Owen will be out and she will be clear. She will decide when and if she tells him. She hears a gasp and she knows it's over. The facade is over and as she looks over to the door Owen emerges the pregnancy test.

AN: Sorry for a super short intro I do not know if I will continue this story. Please review if you want me to.


	2. Chapter 2

AN: This chapter will have a first person narrative (Cristina). I think I figured out the course I want this story to embark on. Don't freak out if it doesn't go the way you want right away: you might get a happy ending. Tell me if you want to see a chapter from Owens POV

Remember when you were little and you used to withhold the truth from your parents and the moment they uttered your name you knew it was over. That the jinx was up. When we get older we never stop living these moments. They only get larger, out lies and moments of weakness effect others drastically. When we were little it would result in a punishment but now a like could change the course of your life. With holding the truth could change the course of your life. It could leave you lonely and you are never prepared for that. You think about all the possibilities, calculate the chances of your secret erupting but in the end you are never prepared. You just react.

As you age you shed the skin of your parents dreams. You realize that making yourself happy is what matters. You shake the lessons that they teach you and learn and embrace your own.

When you get married they say the two become a unit. You make decisions together and cry/rejoice as one. Sometimes though you must find yourself amongst the life the two of you have created together. Remember what you want and need. Sometimes you have to be selfish because if you aren't you will lose yourself.

I never wanted to be a mother. I never stayed up at night pondering my potential future. I never yearned for a family. Owen changed me: he didn't change my ideas or take pieces of me but after I met him I became different. It was slow at first like falling asleep: he made me view life differently. The hell we went through at the genesis of our relationship: his PTSD and the choking. I did not think we would make it past that: I thought we were done. When I was a child I would never give anyone a second chance. One and done type of life and I was okay with that. I did not want people around I never wanted to be vulnerable. By cutting people I controlled my life: all I ever wanted was to be in control of the future. I liked everything to to be planned out. Owen was the first time I let someone stick around I did not run after he hurt me. If I ran it would be like running away from home and I do not think I could handle living alone. I realized I needed him. Not because I was weak without him because we were better together.

Owen did not even have to leave the bathroom: in this moment I am omniscient, I know what he is holding. Once again he utters my name: "Cristina." This time his words are followed by footsteps and now he is at the foot of our bed.

What do I say?How do I diffuse the situation without igniting the bomb?

"Yes?" My voice is meek. Barely audible, I'm sure that the entire building can hear the thump of my heart. The way it begins to shake as I inhale as if an earthquake is rolling through.

"What is this?" He knows what it is. It's the shock. I felt it after the plane crash. Owen was so kind then: his patience was exponential. He could have, should have, left but he stayed. How could I break his heart now?

"It's a pregnancy test." We dance around the subject like if he asks me it will not be real. Oh how I wish this was a dream. Then I could wake up and go to the hospital. My arms are hidden under the embrace of the comforter so I pinch myself attempting to wake up from my sleep. It does not work. This moment is real.

"Yes I know that but who's-it's- uh-" I cut him off before he could even finish his sentence. I could lie to him: tell him it's Mers, he would believe it. The lie could only last a day though, some how some way he would find Meredith and ask her and the game would be over.

"It's mine." The words are like knives and I choke on them. We just look at each other for what seems like an eternity. I can hear the hum of the refrigerator and wait for him to break the sound barrier. He doesn't. He climbs into bed and my hair is in his hands. I look at him and my hands shake again. I'm crying.

"Cristina shhhh." His thumb brushes across my face in an attempt to rid my face of the tears. He has me wrapped in his arms, my face is away from his and I am finally able to calm down. Owens hand brushes past my stomach and I pop up.

"No. We aren't doing this. I'm not doing this."

"Cristina what are you saying. You can do-"

I cut him off again.

"Don't tell me I can do this. Don't push me into a corner and expect me to surrender: to give into you fantasy of a perfect life. I don't want this. Im not doing this. This is what you want but it's not what I need."

It is as if a weight has been lifted of my shoulders. My breathing is finally normal and my heart no longer hurts. Owen is on his feet and as quickly as he scaled those stairs less then an hour ago: the stairs cracking under the weight of sadness. The door yelps and once again I'm alone.

AN So what do you think?


	3. Chapter 3

Owens POV

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Loving her is killing me. She has put me through hell. We ruin each other a lot. When things are bad- oh they are bad: but when they are good it's like sunset on the beach. It isn't like we have a terrible marriage we are just two very different people trying to make things work. Our love is a free fall. Before you marry someone you plan a future. You discuss the possibility of children before marriage: you practically agree on the number- that is under normal circumstances. Nothing with Cristina and me is normal. Most couples do not have to overcome PTSD and a plane crash. I guess we are "blessed."

How do I love her? She does this all the time: the give and take. Putting her wants before mine. Cutting me out of the decision making. She doesn't turn to me when there is a mountain to climb: she has Meredith for that. I want to be her person: the person she looks for amongst the flames. The first time I laid eyes one her she took my breath away: she's done that again but this time it isn't her beauty. It is not the way her presence demands attention. It is her lack compassion. I have put her through hell and I will never forgive myself. I should have let her go: but I can not be without her. I can not sleep if she is not next to me: I do not know how I made it without her. I guess she has become my life but I would not want it any other way.

I can not say I hate her. For what she said: I should have known. I saw it in her but denied it, telling myself that she would change. She would see that we could have a great life together. I knew the second I saw the test why it was hidden in the drawer. Why she said she was "sick." She feels trapped and I left her alone. I let her have what she wanted: a chance to run. To run away from what she believes to be is a problem.

I'm drawn out of my daze by the lyrics of some stupid love song and I'm nauseous because it's all a lie. That love is the greatest thing ever. Whoever said that is a liar: love will kill you. Love will attack you, leave you for dead, and laugh in your face. My anger surfaces and my screams begin to fill my Jeep.

This will tear it apart I'm sure of it. The thought of Cristina getting an abortion releases a tear. I make a sharp turn and the wheels screech at the jolt. Before long I'm back at the front door of our apartment. I wait, with my hand on the handle, I have been in war before: I have seen tragedies but none of this have prepared me for this.

I run up the stairs like I used to when I was a child: after going downstairs at midnight I would sprint up afraid of a ghastly imaginary figure chasing me up the stairs. There she is sitting on the couch watching me. She goes to speak but I'm already there, covering her lips. I-we need this before I burst with my thoughts. Before I'm prepared to release her from my embrace she pulls away and it's my moment to speak.

"You do not get to do this. See this ring that means that you talk to me. The two of us are in this together. We have a life together and I do not know why the hell you think you are in this alone. I can not fathom the fact that you believe your opinion is the only one that matters. I could never believe you would be that selfish."

The second the words left my lips I wanted to erase them. I wanted to scoop her up, tell her that I am sorry but that would only make things worse. She was on her way to the bathroom so I began to follow her:matching stride for stride. My face is met by the door but before she could click the lock I am in. She leans over the toilet seat and in between heaves I hear her mumble "You did this to me." Is she kidding me, is she serious?

"My God. It has always been about you, how terrible I am, how you are the victim. What exactly did I do to you? How have I made your life terrible: please enlighten me."

She finally turns around and face me, the back of her head leans against the tub. I sit down and we obtain eye contact for the first time in hours. She has this smirk on her face and she laughs. Im so caught off guard I can not even react. Cristina the woman who just blamed me is chuckling at nothing but herself.

"You must love this. You have me exactly where you want me. Pregnant and now I'm the bad guy because I don't want the same thing you want. Im the villain who is stomping on your fantasy. I don't want this baby- get it through your head. I can not and will not do this." I can swear I think my heart just shattered. Sitting here staring at here I do not even know how my heart is pumping, how blood is circulating because I am not even breathing.

"Is it really that hard for you to picture a life out side a surgery a life in which you- we have a child. I only want you to be happy, each time I thought we were done, thought I was past my breaking point, I came back. You know why, because I love you. You, this child, you two are my life. Why is it so hard to picture the two of us happy with a child?"

I suppose the thing I want the most will destroy me in the end.

AN: did you like Owens POV? Should I start writing longer chapters?


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

**AN: This chapter consists of the same night as the previous chapter but will include the next morning. I switched back and forth with POV so sorry if you get confused. Im going to try and push the envelope with this story and their relationship.**

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Cristina's POV

I always thought crying was weak: hiding emotions- that was my never cried so hard: the way it feels like you're drowning. Crying in which your body trembles.I'm crying like a fool: like the people I would make fun of at the hospital. Not over Owens words-even though they pierce my heart- but over everything else. Everything I want to say to him. Everything that needs to be said. He's waiting for my response, for my rebuttal , we're talking at each other not to each he's saying- imaging a life with this child- it's terrifying. I can't admit that I'm scared. I don't know how to say it. I'm afraid to imagine a life other then the one I have: the one I can control. I don't think Owen understands that I don't want him to be miserable. That it isn't my intention to hurt him and don't even know if he knows I love him.

"Are you kidding me Cristina, you don't even have a response?" How can I respond? Im speechless: Im trying to choose my words carefully. Everything I say must be like that I'm back to reality. In my mind I can run away from my problems but here in the real world there are no shadows to hide in. My demons can find me.

"Give me a minute!" A minute, Owens given me years? Months of anguish. Days of patience. The words are harsh,cut throat, and I didn't mean it. My minding is racing but I have yet to formulate a sentence. I don't know what to say: how do you fix a broken heart?

"A minute, you want a minute! I'm tired of being the one to always give in: I want you to put in the effort and try to understand me!" His voice is louder then mine and I know his tone is deliberate. He doesn't even look at me, instead he stares at the shower tiles. I can't say I've looked into his eyes either: speaking to the faucet is much easier. The faucet can't look at you like you're a monster.

"You don't think I've considered this- having a normal life. What do you think that wanting an abortion was something I planned: yes Owen I defiantly sit down and ponder how I could hurt you. I want a life with you whatever that entails but I know I'll get scared. I'll run and you'll be alone and you will grow to resent me. The child will resent me." Before I could finish there he was- our lips interlocked and just for a moment I forgot everything. I forgot why we were yelling and why our tears met upon our cheeks. Owen was holding onto me- as if our life would shatter if he let go.

"Can we just go to bed and talk about this tomorrow?" I physically and emotionally can not fight anymore. Any other night I could have gone on for hours, knowing that I would beat him: that he would cave in knowing I never give up. Both of us know that we were going to stand firm and not give up. I guess we've reached a stalemate. My swollen eyes meet his. He just nods and leads me to bed. I found the shadows.

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Owens POV

What was I supposed to do, deny her sleep? What was yelling at her at three am going to accomplish. I'm honestly relieved that she asked to sleep because the screaming match was wearing me out. We don't entangle our limbs like normal: we lay facing away from each other on opposite sides of the bed. Never have we been so asks me if I will hate her if she goes through with her plans-but I just pretend that I'm asleep. I can't answer her because I truly don't know. I know I'm not going to sleep tonight. How can I? My entire world is coming together and falling apart. Can I do this to Cristina- force her to have this child: it will ruin her. I really think it will. I don't want to coerce her: if I do so she will resent me. Detach herself from life- become can I love her if she doesn't have the baby? How do I hold her the same way? Cristina underestimates herself.I always knew we would hurt each other. We will never fall out of love but I always figured that we would realize our scars were too much: anchors to heavy to bare. She's sunny one minute then rain the Yang is a hurricane and although I'm caught in the eye of her storm I wouldn't want it any other way.

**_Morning_**

I guess I got a few hours of sleep. For a few moments I forget the events of the previous night. Then, like clockwork, the wheels start turning and I remember first sound I hear is Cristina in the bathroom: a repeat performance of last night. I consider going in there, rubbing her back, but that will get me no where. Just another sarcastic remark. As quickly as I heard her there she is standing in the doorway: looking like death, of course I would never tell her death.

"Good morning."What was I supposed to say? There was already an elephant in the room. I mumble this not even expecting a response. Her face is stone cold and I don't know how to prepare myself for any type of mood she could be in.

"We aren't going to talk about it this morning. I'm already late. I'm not going to be late and pissed." So her mood is hostile- happy I figured that out before I speak. "You do know Cristina, just because we don't talk about it doesn't mean it will disappear." Her facial expression send a chill down my spine. "You're digging yourself a hole Owen." With that she was gone.

I can't handle work today. I can't hold someones life in my hands: they would perish. I call the hospital, pretending to have the flu: my plan, to stay in the house all day. I just need time, I still need time. Ill need time forever if Cristina goes through with her plan. Its not something you get over, y\it gets easier but I would never forget it. How could you ever forget that you created a child but never truly had it?

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Cristina's POV

Maybe Owen and I should have separated years ago: after he strangled me. We could have gone our separate ways: leaving wouldn't have been that hard. He could have gone back into the military. We could have forgotten the way it felt for our lips to touch. The way in which we held each other: how it seemed like we were molded for each other.I could have saved us so much heartache: our love is a tornado. I knew I loved him when I began making excuses for the way we hurt each other.

The truth is I don't have to be to work at six this morning. I just need to be away from Owen. I get in my car and pull away but I'm not driving anywhere: just far enough so I can make my phone call. The clinics in Seattle open at six: my call went in at 6:13. "Hi, I need an appointment... tomorrow will be fine." Making that phone call lifted the weight of my shoulders but it sent a knot to my stomach. For the first time I put my hand to my stomach and looked down. I know the baby doesn't have ears yet, or much of anything but I tell it that I am sorry anyways. Not for the baby but for myself.

I can't go to work today. I feel so sick, the world is spinning: there is absolutely no way I could operate. When I call the hospital I tell them I have the flu, they can't fight me on that but then they say " I hope you and Owen feel better."So Owen doesn't have work? Or he does and just can't go in- Ive ruined him. I can't go home and be with Owen for hours. The silence will drive me insane. Arguing will drive me insane: but I can't stay in my car all day. Hopefully I can run home grab some money or something and run out. Hopefully he won't be there. Who do I find at the top of the stairs? Owen.

" I thought you had work today." I can see the panic in his eyes: fear. He probably think I'm having the abortion today: if only he knew. How do I tell him I scheduled it for tomorrow?" I called in sick. Why are you here: when do you go in?" I already know the answer but I'm not going to tell him that. I need something to kill the silence "I called in sick." The silence was enough to make us shift uneasily under our feet. We've never had this: a moment in which we had nothing to discuss.

I have to bite the bullet. Be brave. "I scheduled the abortion for tomorrow, five o'clock, and if you don't come I understand but I want you there." The words took my breath away. I don't know why they felt so heavy: but Owens face. The way his eyes darkened: which always happens when he is upset. How his shoulders began to hunch and the way his chest began to rise and fall rapidly.

"Cris." Ive broken him. His hands fall through his hair. Its as if the floors have given way under him. His knees buckle, luckily the couch is there to break his fall.

"I'm sorry I know this isn't what you wanted but it's what I need. I need your support." Its true. I could obviously go through it by myself but I don't want to. He's been there through everything, my weakest point. He's been my rock and Ive been his. Its just our thing. This is another one of those time in which we need each other.

It's a strange feeling to know you broke someone's heart. Its hard to see the person you love break under your words. I am like the truck driver in the _Grapes of Wrath_ and he is the helpless cricket on my windshield. Ive taken Owen between my fingers and killed him: seemingly for my pleasure.

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**AN: I see that some of you want a "happy" ending. I won't say if Owen and Cristina will have one- that would ruin the story. I will tell you that the next chapter will be heart wrenching. Stay tuned. I think I will begin posting every two days: it is quite hard to produce a chapter with more than 1500 words. Im trying to keep the story flowing but I do not want to rush it. What do you think? Should I speed the story up or do you appreciate the pace? I know sometimes in my writing it seems like I may contradict the persons thoughts but I am trying to write in a way that makes sense. As if we are Cristina or Owen, Im trying to make you feel as if these are your thoughts.**


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

**AN: This chapter will focus on the next day, the day Cristina is supposed to get her abortion.**

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Cristina's POV

Change is a part of life: life is a series of change. Everything you thought you ever knew: that could change in an instant. I've never been one to graciously accept change: I would shut the door on it. Change is unpredictable and I can not accept that. It's seven in the morning and I've already visited all my patients. My bedside manner is already terrible: today it's atrocious. I practically yelled at a twenty year old man because he asked me how my day was. I know I should not be irritable today: I am the one who decided to go through with this, but this doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt.

I'm awoken by the chirping of birds and as I rise to my feet I become nauseous. It isn't even morning sickness: it's every second of the day sickness. If I'm not throwing up in on the verge of it. If I'm not nauseous I'm about to faint. Sometimes a series of both. I lean over the toilet for what feels like a century before I am able to stand and start my morning routine. As I walk out of the bathroom I see Owen starting to stir: I practically run down the stairs and out of the house. It's probably childish, running away from my problems, but that is what I do best. I do not know if he is coming in today or if he still had the "flu". I do not even know if he will be there tonight to hold my hand. I guess this is the make or break point in our relationship. I can not say I expect him to be there but I just, I don't know. This was inevitable: the simple chance that we would encounter a mountain we could not climb. We skipped the talking phase of our relationship: we did not get to know each other, truly know each other. We flew into love way too fast and never looked back.

Death it is another inevitable part of life. Everyone knows they will die: some ponder it others never give it a thought. It is weird to know you will be present at someone's demise. Being a doctor I see death all the time: it's around every corner. Death hangs over your head and laughs at you in the OR. Death wants you to try so it can win: but most of the time it doesn't because doctors are there to save the person. You always go into surgery wanting to save the person. I have never scheduled anything to kill someone. Knowing that at five o'clock death will occur. It seems surreal: now I'm not into religion and everything but normally nature or the circumstances control death. Not an appointment.

I opted out of surgery today for the first time in my life. I'm going through the motions of the day by that I mean I harass the residents and sit in the attendings lounge. One my way to the elevator I see him: I catch his red hair descending the stairs. Owen made it to work. My heart rate increases and I rapidly press the elevator button like somehow that will speed it up. Owen has beat the elevator and he's pulling me into an on call room. I don't try to pull away but I don't want to be in another room, alone with him. The door is locked and for what seems like the millionth time in the past 24 hours we just look at each other until he's walking towards me: his hand in my hairs our lips intertwined. I want to pull away but I just can't. This isn't correct but it isn't wrong. His hands are under my shirt and on any other day this would have been fine but not today. We can't have a beautiful moment now and soon be fighting.

"We shouldn't do this." We're both anxious and normally sex would correct any problem or emotion. Not today though: we can't wish our problems away. They will still be there when we are done. We will still have to face them outside of this room. "I can't do this. I don't even know if you're coming with my tonight. How can we have love right now but you leave me alone when I need you most?" Now I'm sitting on the bed because just standing made the room spin. Owen leans his head against the wall:" I'm going with you. What time is it at?" I glance down at my watch: the day has sped by. "Now." Our eyes meet and I could tell he thought he had more time: maybe more time to convince me.

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Owens POV

I'm sad how can I deny that. I'm upset because I know that we, Cristina and I, would have had a perfect life. I thought about the baby last night: how beautiful it could be. It doesn't matter if it is/ was a boy or girl: it would belong to Cristina and me and that's all that matters. I really didn't want to go with her: but how could Ieave her alone? How could I tell her that everything we've been through meant nothing in this meant? I don't agree with her but I could never leave her. When you love someone you are supposed to stand by them even if you know they are wrong. You shouldn't leave them to carry a cross you made together. When I hear her say "now" I'm surprised: I thought it would be later in the day when none of her friends(Meredith) would be around. Not at five o'clock. I don't even know if she told Meredith. I don't know a lot of anything at this point. Yet I'm with her, hand in hand, walking to her appointment. I never pictured this.

I can tell she's anxious. We both are but me, I am able to hide it. Cristina acts like she is able to hide her emotions: she isn't. She barely sits down and when she does she fidgets. She wasn't even this nervous when we got married. We haven't spoken: what is there to say? I'm still holding her hand it's the only thing anchoring me to this situation. I don't want to be here: but I must. We're in the room and she's sitting in the chair waiting for the doctor. There is an eerie silence: the creak of the open door breaks the silence. I don't know what to do after this is over so we just go home and act like nothing happened? How do we return to normal?

"Will you still love me?" Her eyes are darker then usual: she's been contemplating this. The truth is I don't know: I don't know how I'll feel a minute let alone an hour from now. How can I tell her no because in this very moment I'm so hopelessly in love with her. I can never imagine jot being in love with her but I suppose some people do fall out of love. I just never expected that for the two of us. I always imagined growing old with Cristina. Yet, I tell her yes I will love you: even though I don't know, I know it's what I want. I could never truly picture my life without her: everything good and bad has made me lover her even more. Our past has bound us together: we have too much history to forget. So I take her hand I brush the hair out of her face as the doctor begins to explain everything to her. A stray tear falls from my eye but I quickly brush it away because I can see the tears welling up in Cristina's eyes. Ive zoned out at this point: it's the only thing I can do but Cristina says something, barely audible but I know I heard it.

AN: Can anyone guess what Cristina said? What do you think so far? I want the next chapter to be really long. Im finding it difficult to write long chapters though.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

**AN: This chapter will only be Cristina's point of view.**

Cristina's POV

"Will you still love me?" Owen doesn't have to tell me the truth: in this moment I would accept a lie. I would rather have false hope then the truth because honestly reality is hard. Having peace for a short time would be better then the truth. Throughout the day I pondered the idea- this life with Owen. The possibility of a child being part of it and the truth is it is terrifying. I'm petrified of the fact that I might have to take care of someone: that their existence is dependent on me. I thought of how happy Owen would be: the way his eyes would sparkle when he felt the baby kick for the first time. Or his smile the first time he held our child and it hurt to know the pain I was putting him through. Everything I was taking away. He has given me so much but I have nothing to return. Here he is holding my hand and it must be killing him. He must be sick even standing here with me and yet we are in the same room breathing the same air. Owen is willing to give up everything for me and I'm unwilling to budge.

The doctor comes in which awakes me from my thoughts. Owen takes my hand and squeezes it and in that moment I realize just how much being her with me is killing is it I tell myself: no going back. This is what you want I keep telling myself: don't question it. Yet when the doctor asked me "Are you sure this is what you want," I wasn't sure. I could never be sure. Who really is? Who really knows if this is the decision they would have made a year from now. Who knows how they will feel tomorrow? Maybe giving up a piece of myself wouldn't be so bad. I could love the child it wouldn't be a problem: everything else. I would love it but it would feel unloved. I don't think I could ever give up my job and it really doesn't matter if Owen gives up his. I know he would do it in a heartbeat but what's a life if you are unsure of your mothers love? How could this child even breathe if it's unsure of my presence in its life? I don't want my child to think its a mistake or I'm dumping it.

"I don't know." I mumble it, as I say it, it doesn't even sound like English. I wasn't even sure anyone heard it till my eyes met Owens. I could see the tears in his eyes- the ones he been hiding as his eyes glared at a sign across the room for the past ten minutes. Of all the ways I have ever hurt him: this surely is the worst. "What Cristina?" This is it: I could reconcile every ounce of pain I have ever instilled upon him. Every moment of sadness could be washed from the shore and swept out to sea of I'm brave. If I put aside my selfish ways. " I can't do this Owen," it's true, I can't do this. I thought I could- I thought I would be fine but I'm not. In reality the thought of having this child with Owen is terrifying but it wouldn't be right if it wasn't scary.

" I know this isn't what you want, that's why we are here Cris." He thinks this is my final statement before the procedure: as if I'm on death row and these are my final words. I basically wrote it in stone that I do- did not want a child its no surprise that he thinks my previous statement is parallel to my want. It isn't though. "I mean I can't go through with this." Tears flow from my eyes again- one of the countless times I have cried in the past couple of days. I used to pride myself on the fact that I could hide my emotions- that I was stone but not anymore. I've cried so much since finding out I was pregnant I could drown myself. "If this isn't what you want then I will leave," and the click of the door signaled that Owen and I were alone again. I couldn't look at him but I knew he was staring at me- eye contact means talking and that wasn't something I am prepared to do so I put on my clothing and walked out. What was there to say, I just changed the game.

We took two separate cars to the hospital but I left mine in the parking lot and went home with Owen. It's one of the dreary Seattle nights: the sky is consumed by clouds bearing rain. The car is silent, no radio, no speaking. I lean my head on the window and watch the rain fall. I have not looked at Owen on the drive home: normally I would have my hand on his thigh but not tonight. The drive seems to be taking forever: we stop at every light. Finally Owen slams his hand on the steering wheel: "What the hell was that Cristina?" This is what I have been waiting for the explosion. The shear effect of emotion. "I couldn't do it Owen." Well that's obvious, I feel stupid, he obviously knows I couldn't go through with it because I didn't. The light turns green and again he is silent. I return to looking out the window: I don't know what to say to him. Two hours ago he was convince I was going to abort the baby and now we are on the way home and I am still pregnant.

We finally pull up to the house and I have never been so excited by the idea of sleep. I just want to scale the stops without speaking and fall into a deep sleep. I practically bolt out of the car and fumble with the keys: I just want to get upstairs without speaking to Owen. The door finally unlocks and I sprint up the stairs but Owen is on my heels. "Are you going to do this every time Cristina? One day say you want an abortion and the next take back your words? Is this all a game to you?" I was so close to making it through the night without this conversation: I almost missed the storm. Now what am I supposed to do: just ignore him? How can I go to bed and leave him in the dark? "I have a headache, I need sleep, can we just talk tomorrow?" I didn't want to address his questions: I don't have answers to them myself. "No Cristina we can't just pretend this isn't happening. That tonight didn't happen. That yesterday didnt happen. We will wake up and you will still be pregnant and we will still need to talk about. You, you always find a way to avoid talking about things and now you can't do that. This isn't something we can sweep under the rug: this isn't something we can wish away."

"I honestly don't understand Owen: you're getting everything you want and you still question it." I have made my way to the bed because any second I'm going to fall asleep. Owen won't rest until he has all the answers I always admired him for that but not tonight. Tonight is not one of those nights. "Don't make yourself the victim. What the hell was that today? Oh will you still love me and then you decide you don't want to go through with it? Do you find it funny to play with my emotions?" I know I have hurt him and there is no way I could ever wash away his pain. While we were in the room I was sure that aborting the baby was what I wanted- what I needed. Yet when the doctor asked if that was what I wanted I froze. I rethought everything- I always knew what I wanted but in that moment I was speechless. It's going to be hard I know: there are going to be minutes maybe even days I regret my decision but I knew Owen would be there to guide me.

"Yes Owen I lay awake at night plotting how to make you miserable." We're screaming again for the millionth time. "I'm going to throw up." I run to the bathroom for again the millionth time. This I'm already sick of getting nauseous out of no where. He comes in after me but this time he is on the floor next to me. "Cris I'm sorry." I look at him and I see the hurt in his eyes- not only the hurt I put him through but the hurt he felt for me. The way he was speaking to me: I could tell her was sorry. Why couldn't I forgive him? "You did this to be Owen." Again there was hurt in his beautiful blue eyes. Yet he stared there, next to me, rubbing my back. "Im sorry Owen," my head leaned against his chest and I listened to his heartbeat. He did not say anything at first, he just sat there and held me. "I don't want to fight with you Cristina but I don't get it- don't get me wrong I'm ecstatic but Im just trying to understand everything."

"Owen I don't know. When I woke up this morning I was sure I didn't want the baby, but then the doctor came in and asked if I was sure and I wasn't. Everything I knew seemed wrong. I know I don't want a baby but I couldn't just kill it. All my life I wanted to save people, how could I kill an innocent person. This isn't the childs fault- its no ones. How could I blame you or myself? I just know what I want and what I don't want. I know I don't know how to do this-" His lips are on mine, interrupting my thoughts but I quickly pull away. "No I need to say this! I don't know how to do this. You know I will never be happy not being a surgeon and Im surely not going to ask you to give up your job." Im being so honest that it hurts.

"Cristina we don't need to figure all of this out right now." But we do, because I need everything laid out since I was a child I always knew what I wanted. I worked hard for everything I wanted and made sure I would achieve it. I planned my life out so I knew I would be successful- so I know I would be number one not knowing is foreign to me. "It's not okay. We need to figure this out!" I'm crying again- these hormones will be the death of me. Forget me being Stonewall Yang, now I'm just a wuss. "Owen how can you be okay with this uncertainty! Don't you care?" Of course he cares: all he has even done is care. He cared after the plane crash when I was a mute: he stuck around. He cared after the incident with the ceiling fan: he turned himself around for me. "Cristina I care I just can't worry right now. I've done enough worrying in the past twenty four hours for one hundred people."

** AN: So what do you think? Are you happy that Cristina decided for now to keep the baby? Do you want her to have the baby or should I create more "unforeseen circumstances." Would you like any flashbacks? I might make the next chapter entirely Owens POV. Do you like the large paragraphs or would you prefer shorter paragraphs? **


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

AN: Hello everyone I am so sorry I have been away I've been stuck. I decided that after last nights episode the I should update. Provide some joy to our sad state. Enjoy.

"Mer, I can't do this!" I'm pacing the tiny on call room: Meredith is across from me, sitting on the bed, a worried expression runs across the bed. I have yet to tell her about my situation. How do you tell your best friend that wants a child so badly that you are pregnant yet you don't want the child? I'm terrified to tell anyone, speaking about it makes it real. "What is it," a small chuckle follows her sentence, if only she knew this wasn't a laughing manor. "I'm pregnant," as the words roll out of my mouth I sink to the floor. My heart is being pulled through the floor like my life was running out to someone else. "We're not happy,right?" Is that even a question? If I was happy wouldn't I be bouncing off the walls, running down the halls exclaiming it? "No we are not." An awkward silence followed, if only I had a nickel for every awkward moment. I would have enough money to take off.

"Well what are you going to do?" That's when I tell her, expel all the secrets that chain my heart. I can feel the weight being lifted off of my shoulders. My person finally knows. I can finally breathe again. Once again there is an ominous silence: "You really heart him." Tell me something I don't know,Mer. Please. "I know." That's all I can say. That's all I know. I know I hurt Owen. I can see it in his grey eyes: the color of the sky just before a storm. The way his shoulders hunch over the sink aw he washed his face. The ghastly way in which he consumes his breakfast: mostly staring at it followed by the occasional bite. The way he in which he sleeps on the opposite side of the bed not allowing the slightest touch. All the while our child is growing inside me second by second day by day. Any joy we should feel is lost. He hasn't even looked at me. When he does its in passing. A smile does not even creep upon his lips. I feel like a stranger in a strange land. "Cristina you two should talk." Obviously talking would be lovely if we could make eye contact and be in the same room for more then a minute. "That's the goal Mer." Sometimes she can be so stupid.

Owens POV

Maybe things would not be okay with Cristina and I. Maybe our life together had run its course; maybe after she had the baby we would go our separate ways. But, I could never be okay with that. Yet, if that's what she wanted surely give it to her. You have not really spoken these past couple days. Of course I want her but it's hard to look in the eyes. There's so much left to stay in so many things will never say. So hard to look at her and see the hatred she has for me but I know when she looks at me so she can see is the penetrating. How can we love each other if we cannot even love ourselves. They need her I want to push her to be scared so much that she runs into oblivion. I want to be her salvation I don't want to be continuously run to Meredith for help. I want to be her person I want her to trust me and love me. I want so many things for the two of us the three of us I can't even see a way out of the life you're living now. I can't even picture tomorrow if I cannot survive a second.

Hours later...

I arrived home to see Cristina sitting on the couch staring aimlessly at a spot on the wall. She was silent. Her eyes never leaving that spot. That's when she blew up. Screaming aimlessly at me. How " I'm the reason she is in this mess. I have ruined her life. How she can't love me anymore. How I have hurt her." That's when I realized I was done. I couldn't leave someone that couldn't leave me or herself. "I'm leaving then." She wasn't expecting that and as her head whipped around to meet mine I was already descending the stairs.

Cristina's POV

"And he just left you, sitting there?" I was balling on Meredith's couch. It has been hours since my fight with Owen and he is yet to contact me. I couldn't stay at home so I went to my person. Is he really done? "Mer, did I push him too far. Is he really done with me?" How could she respond? I don't know so surely she doesn't know. "I think he will hate me forever Meredith. Honestly ever other minute I have a different opinion on this child. I'm killing him. He's walking around on eggshells because of me. I'm blaming him for everything and it's not his fault. None of this is." I'm putting all the blame on Owen: but it takes two to make a baby. That's when it happened- when he walked through the front door.

"Cristina." He saw me and I've never been so happy to see him. "Cristina come home." I could have melted then and there. I didn't even say anything I just walked towed him and before long his arms had wrapped around my waste. My head is on his chest and all I can say is "I'm sorry." I'm crying again. His hands leave my waist and meet my stomach. A tiny swell is starting to form and as I look up with him I can see a grin forming at the corners of his mouth. "I'm never going to leave you Cristina. I love you." "Owen,let's go home." We're finally in the car headed home and we have not been this blissful for quite awhile. "You know I'm sorry right Owen. I keep blaming you and it's not your fault. I keep pushing you away. I keep changing my mind and taking it out on you because I'm mad at myself. I'm mad because I can't make up my mind because I can't be happy with the life that's in front of me. I'm mad because I'm putting you through hell because I'm shutting you out-." That's when he leans over the console and kisses me. "Owen, just don't let me hate the baby." His hand reaches and finds my thigh and he begins to rub small circles on it. "You won't hate the baby Cristina." He doesn't get it does he. "Owen you know I will. There could be a day,week,month, or year that I could dislike it. That I could blame it for the drastic change in my life. That I become distant and provide little love. Don't let me be cold. Don't just let me get what I want and do my own thing. Push me even if I scream don't let me run away from this."

AN: sorry that I have not update in a while. I did not really know where I wanted this story to go but now j have an idea so stick around.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8  
AN: Sorry, I have not updated in quite awhile. I have had this idea since the genesis of the story but I did not know exactly how I wanted to write it. I'm sorry I made you wait so long but I wanted to get this chapter just right. There was so much to consider and I believe this is the most important chapter of this story to date. Enjoy.

"Life is a series of experiences, each one of which makes us bigger, even though sometimes it is hard to realize this. For the world was built to develop character, and we must learn that the setbacks and grieves which we endure help us in our marching onward."~ Henry Ford

Life has been normal. Standard. Our relationship is similar to how it was when we first got married.I go to the hospital for what seems like forever: a countless number of days and nights that seem to become one. The night envelops the sun as quickly as it rose. I had a bad feeling about today: you know when you were a little kid and you just knew you were going to get a bad grade on a test. One of those feelings. I didn't tell Owen he was already gone, his side of the bed ice cold. I awoke to the sound of little birds having a conversation outside my window. I felt sick but not morning sickness sick just a bad feeling. Yet, I continued my routine like it was any other day. Time waits for no one. I rushed out the door as quickly as I awoke. My keys in one hand and the other contains a coffee cup, every time Owen sees me holding one I get lectured. I guess what he doesn't know won't hurt him. I was in the car pulling away from our home in a flash. I finally felt normal- happy- for the first time in a long while. I was not dreading the next day, I was looking forward to it. I have not dreaded seeing Owen- instead I want to be with him for then humanly possible. Happiness has enveloped my life. My hand was on my tiny stomach. Owen noticed it first and was ecstatic: I never knew true joy till I saw his face the first time he saw the bump. Owen thinks that it is a boy but I know we are having a girl. I can feel it. Yet I know he will be happy either way. This is all he has ever wanted. This is all we have ever needed. He was finally happy- something I thought he would never be once I told him my original plan. Honestly, I never thought we would make it this far. We both should have ran as soon as we met. We were so jaded we should have not mixed. Most would title us as toxic. I mean they should be correct, to messed up people, should create one messed up relationship? Right? Well they were wrong- we were wrong. Yes we had our hills and plateaus along the way. May of those I would love to erase but I don't want a perfect relationship. Perfect relationships are nothing they mean both are lying no one is saying how they truly feel. I wouldn't trade our history it makes us unique. Who else could say they have survived all the things we have survived? We survived an now we are happy. I never thought having a child would make me happy. I never expected one in my life. Yes I'm cold and I'm not easy to love but I realized that doesn't make me terrible. It just means I have to work harder- and I already do that. My smile quickly ran away from my race.

Owen POV  
Today has been such a mundane day. I arrived at the hospital at five am and have yet to even see a trauma cause. The day is dead. I had to leave Cristina to do nothing- always exciting. I would much rather be cuddling with her: not alone on this cold damp Seattle morning. That quickly changed. My pager was on fire. Every few seconds I was getting paged 911. I got paged nearly ten times as I ran to the trauma floor. I spotted Meredith and sprinted towards her:" What's the incoming?" I must have shocked her because she nearly jumped when she saw me. "I don't know, they don't know anything. I heard it's bad though." The wails of the sirens met the screech of the ambulance tires. The doors burst open and emerged a tattered woman. Blood, everywhere, I can't even tell where it is coming from. She's a mess. "Jane Doe." It's always sad when they don't know the persons name. A name makes a person without one who are they? I stepped a little closer to the women to assess her injuries. As I approached the gurney I noticed the mess of black curls caked in blood. I would know those curls anywhere. "Cristina." Meredith was there, standing across from me, she looked sick. I quickly turned my eyes back to my wife. My beautiful wife lay on the gurney like a rag doll. As if someone took all the stuffing out and attempted to put it back in. "Cristina." I utter her name again because maybe, just maybe, if I say it enough this will be a dream. This will be a dream because I should wake up next to Cristina and she will be fine. We will be home and we will be happy. She won't look ghastly. Sadly it's not a dream.

We're sprinting through the halls- everyone running like Olympians. I can't breathe- it's like my lungs are no longer there. I am no longer getting my blood oxygenated. My heart is paralyzed. How can I help her? Can she even be helped? Have I lost her before I even tried putting her back together? I need her. She can't be- she needs to be fine. We both have fought so hard to get to where we are right now. We can't lose it now. We are finally in a trauma room- I have never seen so many doctors huddled around one patient- but it's Cristina and everyone needs her to be okay. She's the glue- no matter who she makes fun of- she keeps us all together. She hasn't even moved. I move closer and touch are face- it's not even her- it is her but it's like a ghost. She's so pale and cold to the touch. She has lost so much blood. "Cris. You're okay." My hand is running through her hair like that will fix her. There is so much commotion in the background but all I can see and think about is her. "Hunt get out of here!" I'm hurdled out of my gaze by someone- Baileys- voice. I can't leave her. I just want to hold her- wish away the pain. How can I leave her alone? She won't be alone but I will. I can barely sleep when she is not there how can I go on knowing she's alone and I can't be there even to give myself peace of mind. "I can't leave her." It's true. I can't breathe without her. "Get out if you want us to help her!" How could I deny that? I can't be the reason she- "I love you Cristina." She can't hear me but I needed everyone to know that. I needed myself to know that. Before I left I made my way over to Bailey: "she's pregnant," and with that I left. I was outside of the room, sitting on the floor, how did we end up here? If I would have just stayed a little bit longer maybe this wouldn't have happened? Why her? Why? She's the love of my life she has to be okay. Meredith was on her way toward me, even ten feet away I could tell she was crying. "Cristina isn't dying today. Today's not the day," Meredith then sat next to me. We sat in silence for what seemed like years: those words embedded in my brain. Cristina is dying blood: she was a mess but she isn't dying today. She should be dead already but she isn't. So we are halfway there. Quickly the door to Cristina's room flew open and as quickly as the door opened they flew out into the elevator. I was up, running toward the stairs, I left Meredith in the dust. I knew exactly which operating room was Cristina's because Webber was guarding it. "You can't go in Hunt." Was he kidding me? "Like hell I'm not going in ." What he forgo that this operating room had a gallery and before he could react I was off to that door. I was in. There she was. On the table. My knees gave out, she looked so little and all I wanted to do was help her. Yet I can't. All I can do is sit here and hope. Hope that we have a miracle. Hope that someone somewhere aids us.

My hands are shaking. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. Stop Owen. You have to be strong. They cut the audio: I'm left watching. It's like the blind leading the blind except I can see everything yet I can see nothing. The repetition of idleness seems to not only go on for hours but for years. They lost her a couple of times. I saw my world go aflame when that happened. I would be up against the glass,screaming, yet they heard nothing. I could do nothing. She was finally out of surgery. She survived and that was half the battle. The baby, was fine they would know more later, Cristina on the other hand. No one truly knew. She had a brain bleed, broken ribs, and they had to remove her spleen. The bones would heal and she could live without her spleen but her brain. Her beautiful brain no one knew the damage is had substances. No one could tell me if she would even wake up. It was a waiting game. I sit minute by minute next to her bad: my hand entangled in hers. She's so cold. They had to transfuse so much blood. She lived though. She can do it. Meredith has been by to visit Cristina and when she does I exit the room. Not that I do not want to speak to Meredith I just want. We are both so sad and we can't provide sadness to an already sad room. Once I return Meredith is gone and Cristina looks even tinier in the large sterile room. I just want to make her better. I wish I could take away all her pain. I would go through that accident if it meant she would be fine. I would give anything up for her to recover. She has to be fine. Yet there she lay, her position unalterable for the past week. She can survive this though, right?

AN:I am so sorry that I have not updated in a while. I hope this chapter pleases you.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

AN: I did post this chapter a day ago but I wanted to add some pieces. Sorry.

"It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things."- Lemony Snicket

Can sadness last forever? Does time truly heal all wounds? " She was-is the love of my life. The first day I met her, I pulled an icicle out of her abdomen, I know not a typical love story," I still remember that day. Cristina acted like she hated me, but by the end of it she had kissed me. I knew she wasn't just some girl I met and left. She was something real. "She should have left me though. I gave her hell for months. I pushed her past the limit," no one besides Callie and Meredith knew what I was talking about. The night I chocked her. I regret it everyday of my life. I used to wonder if she was still afraid to fall asleep in my arms. "She didn't though. She rode out the storm and melted into each other. We had our fair share of challenges. Time when our relationship was up against the wall. She may be gone but this isn't the end."She was gone and I was empty: it was a sunny day she would never see. Everyone was there I can not even tell you who was running the hospital: it must be vacant. Even the nurses she made fun of showed up. Meredith stood to my left, Derek right behind her: the two of us,Meredith and I, have not said anything to each other. What is there to say? "Hey your best friend died!" " Hey your wife died." Cristina would have made fun of us for standing her looking sad. She would be laughing that is for sure. She was fine she- we thought- would make it but then her stats dropped. The flatline still echoes in my ears. Her heart just stopped. The love of my life died in my arms. Our baby died with her: so I stand her and watch her-their- casket get lowered to the ground. I feel like I will be empty forever like a part of me died with them. Not a part, actually all of me. They were my life and now they are gone. How could I go one living without her? I can but I don't want to. We were supposed to have such a beautiful life. "Cristina." She can't respond. She will never respond. My eyes shot open and there I was in Cristina's hospital room. It was a dream she is still alive. My hand runs to her stomach and our tiny baby is still there, it's the first time I've felt the bump. It needed to happen. I needed to know that they were still both here somewhat safe and sound. That I was truly dreaming and they were palpable. I need Cristina to wake up. I need to hear her voice. I need to kiss her. She is still here but I miss her. No one has any idea when she will wake up: they say she needs time but that isn't enough for me. "Cris I need you to wake up. Please." I've been sitting here for days on end. I want to talk to her. See her smile. I caressed her cheek and stroked her hair. Derek was there, standing in the door way. "We need to talk about the possibility- of her not waking up. You know, we did all we could but.. it might not have been enough. Owen I'm sorry and I know you don't want to-" Shut up. "No Derek you don't know what I want. What I want is for you to get the hell out of here!" The two of us, Cristina and I, were alone again. "People are giving up on you Cristina. Prove them wrong. You know you love to do that. When everyone loses faith you give them a reason to hold one. You do magical things everyday. Be a part of one now." Meredith was now at the door- Derek just couldn't take no for an answer. "If you're here because of Derek you can go." It was harsh and I didn't mean for it to sound like that but I couldn't take the words back. "She's my person. I need to see her just as much as you do. You need to go though, you smell, when she wakes up she won't kiss you because you stink. Also, you should shave. Maybe get some food. Live outside of this room basically. I will stay with her until you come back. We have a lot of stuff to discuss."

Meredith's POV

She is to tiny for that big bed. Cristina looked like a child that fell asleep in her parents bedroom. Yet it's the first time in my life Cristina has ever looked peaceful: ironic isn't it? "You know Cristina we have seen each other lay in hospital beds one to many times. We must have a record of something." I just wanted her to wake up, say some stupid McDreamy joke, anything. I needed my person back,"Derek is being an ass. I need you to tell me that he is just a stupid boy. That he's dreamy but he isn't the sun, that I am. I just need your advice no matter how much you don't want to give it. I just want to hear your voice. You know this is the longest we have gone without speaking. Crazy isn't it? We have not danced it out or slept over in a week. Is this what life is supposed to be like? Are we leading normal lives in which our only person is our husband? Every time I bring you up he tells me to be realistic. He thinks you're a goner. I haven't slept at home since your surgery. I've been here every night in an on call room. I can't leave knowing that- never mind- also every time I see Derek we fight. We could never make it a night together. You need to wake up because I need to be right. I told him not to give up on you because you make miracles happen everyday and you will be a miracle. He doesn't know what happened and why you won't wake up but I know you're always full of surprises. This baby is a perfect example. Derek still doesn't know by the way, no offense but I don't think we could have another child right now. I'm trying to be the sun. A baby would just make me the moon again. He would hover and I would be suffocated. He still doesn't know about the miscarriage I need it to stay like that. You know how he is: he will look at me with those eyes like I will break any second. I just can't handle it. You though, you'll love it even when you hate it- being a mom not the baby of course. There will be nights when you will cry- yes you- because you are ready to give up. There will be times when you think you will die but you'll be fine. You, Owen, and that baby will all live long happy lives. Sometimes I think Owen drowns in his love for you: this entire week for example. I think is the first time he has left your side for more then five minutes. He's good for you though. You're crazy and he just balances you out. You make each other happy for the most part. So you need to wake up for me and for him. You can't show him everything and then take it all away. You're twisted but not selfish. So wake up. Stop dreaming and come back to reality. I need you back." I was crying and if Cristina was awake she would tell me to stop and be strong. I needed her back to keep me grounded. "You need to wake up I don't think he will be able to survive without you. I know I can't." Owen was back standing in the door way, he heard the end of what I was saying, it was true I had nothing to be ashamed of. "I'm going to go now."

Dereks POV

Meredith had just left Cristina's room and was headed toward and on call room. I entered after her and locked the door: she whipped her head around "Get out." She hated me right now. "Why?" I shot her the eyes, the one she couldn't resist. " because your negative attitude makes me sick to my stomach. All I hear is how I'm thinking unrealistically. I'm not Zola you don't need to speak to me like I think unicorns are real. I'm a person you know." She was now sitting on the bed her head in her hands. "Oh please Meredith don't be dramatic." Her eyes were aflame. "Are you kidding me Derek! If I was in that bed would you be thinking like this. Would you want my doctor to give up on me so easily. To call it quits and tell you to give up. You are unbelievable." There were tears in my eyes and I made my way over to her. By the time I sat down there was a river upon her face. "She can't die Derek. What am I supposed to do without her? I can't even go to you because-" I kissed her for the first time in a week. She hasn't been home since Cristina's accident. She has seen Zola but she hasn't been there to put her to bed. This is the first time I've spent more then five minutes with her in the past seven days. She's the one who broke the kiss first. "We said no running but how am I supposed to stay and talk to you." I felt terrible. " I just don't want you to get hurt." Stupid answer, she was already hurt. " it wouldn't be the first time I've felt pain. I just want your support. I want the husband Derek not the doctor Shepherd." It broke my heart that she felt so alone. " I'm never leaving you Mer." She looked up at me and I knew that we would be okay. I knew that her hatred for me was only momentarily and that when Cristina was fine that would too would be fine.

Later in the day.. (Owens POV)

" She's right you know I can't live without you." My hand entangled in hers. That's when it happened: no way it was a muscle spasm. She squeezed my hand. "Cristina.." Her eyes slowly opened. There she was. I was tearing up, I obviously wants her to wake up but there were parts of me that started to believe that she wouldn't. Yet her she was. "Hi," her voice so subtle it was barely audible. "Hi." There was a giant smile on my face. Her hand rushed over to her tiny bump: " the baby is fine." Her giant eyes looked at mine "I thought I was going to die- that both of us would die. All I could think about was you. How mean I've been to you and how you would be alone. I told myself I couldn't leave because you said we would have such a nice life. I didn't want to miss it." She was lovely, a vision of beauty. "Do you know how much I love you Cristina Yang?" Of course she did not not, no one besides myself would know my vast love for her. " How long was I out for?" She looked so sad and I couldn't tell why. "A week." Her stats dropped in an instant. One second she was talking the next she was convulsing. Doctors, nurses, everyone rushed in and in the midst of that I was pushed out of the room and told to stay in the hallway. I put my head against the window but the quickly drew the blinds. Meredith was sprinting towards the door but Derek was waiting for her, he was in with Cristina but her knew Meredith too was paged 911, but he didn't want her in there. Still, Meredith ran like a bull at Derek by he caught her: she was kicking and screaming " Let me go. I need to see her," Derek was struggling with getting Meredith away from the door handle. Love is a powerful thing. I made my way over to where the couple was fighting: " Meredith just come stay over here. Let Derek help her: the quicker he gets back the better chance Cristina has." She knew it was true Derek is great at what he does so she sulked toward me tears streaming down her face. Maybe I was about to live my dream.

AN: I left you with a somewhat cliff hanger. What do you think will happen. If Cristina is alive what do you think will happen? I really want to write a story that all of you want to read so please leave me some suggestions. Also, I'm thinking of starting another story probably a Mer/Der story where would you like it to pick up from. When they first met? Should Derek have died? Please give me suggestions.


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